10.14.2011

i'm ready to go home.


i want to go home. i have had enough with this living out of boxes. with keeping our animals in a continuous state of flux. with not having a proper place to lay down with rose. with not having my favorite snacks, my favorite teas, my favorite chocolate milk. with not having our routine. with not having each and everyone of our animals set in their ways of the day. 
i miss the land in north carolina. 
i miss my cousins. 
i miss the jordans.
i miss fostering piglets in the back shed.
i miss our herd of goats, even though i spent countless, needless hours chasing them around the farm.
i miss the landscape of cattle behind our home.
i miss bella and rose sharing the same pasture. growing old and fat together.
i miss the light in our home from 15h to 16h30. every blessed day.
i miss walks with pigs across the farm.
i miss ineptly trying to photograph little farm beings.
i miss harvesting exclusively for dinner.
i miss the mud caked legs of my favorite run.
i miss that bed.
i miss the call & response of the turkeys.
i miss the laundry line.
i miss the counter workstation i'd write from while nick made breakfast.
i miss our summer table by the pond.
i miss my feathered and bristled coworkers.
i miss billy cat and rocco kitten. 

our billy cat died unexpectedly yesterday morning. he was hit by a car. even though we so purposefully lived away from the road. there was something so overwhelmingly destructive about his death. that unraveled nick and i as we were barely keeping it together. its been so very difficult not having rocco-kitten with us but billy's remaining presence was keeping us sane. he, rudy, nick, and i were the core four of our mottled backyard farm. we were able to keep a nominal sense of routine. of normalcy. of peace with the four of us in the tent. we love all of our animals. but we depended on billy's companionship with an intensity we've previously only reserved for rudy. and then, wednesday night, he never came home. never came back to the tent for his midnight check in. never came for his early morning breakfast the next day either. 

he was found on the road. stiff. wet. much blacker than i remembered him. his face had been hit by the car. it looked as though it had been quick. but he was so un-billy that i had to check his nose to make sure it wasn't him. but it was. his nose was missing the same piece it had always missed. 

i still was quite sure we had the wrong cat when we buried him under the apple tree up on the hill overlooking the farm. when we said our few words and laid quartz rock and cosmos on his grave. i was even more certain when we left yesterday for boston that the farm would call us later that day....or maybe even today. with the good news that billy was alive and well, sleeping under the bed in the guest room. and we would all wonder humorously at the macabre blunder of burying someone else's cat.

but they haven't called.

and i find myself overwhelmed with missing north carolina. where we used to have all the creature comforts that the tent lacks. where we used to have two loving kitties that spent their afternoon on the bed. spent their nights in the carolina hills. and spent their mornings eating thawed liver from the freezer.

we're hoping to find a home this week-end. which is why we are here in boston. but it feels now like we missed our chance. they may just be two cats to the outside world. but they were the definition of our family and of our home. and now we don't have them. and now i just want to retreat to the farm in north carolina and go back to my cousins. back to our pigs. back to the 500 acres we called home. back to a time when we had everybody and everything just so. 





22 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a cat lover and know exactly what you mean about them being your family. My fiancé, myself, and our two cats who we've had since kittens are our little family. I hope that you can find a place to call home and finally settle down.

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  2. Sending so much love. xoxoxox

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  3. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I was literally crying by the end of this post. I can't even imagine what would happen if I lost one of my kitties, and now you've lost both of yours. Words can't describe how my heart is going out to you.
    x Katherine

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  4. oh, i am just so so sorry for you. my heart hurts reading your little story. sending kitty paw love from minnesota.

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  5. Ah, I'm so, so sorry to hear about Billy Cat, I understand the loss. Things will start looking up, sending big comforting hugs.

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  6. Losing a loved cat in the road is such a heartbreaking thing. I know how it hurts too. My condolences. I hope home comes to you soon.

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  7. im so sorry for your loss. i lost my pug rose to a car almost a year ago and there is something just so devestating about them going that way. i hope it was quick for billy cat. and i hope you can be home soon.

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  8. Farm life is hard. Living in transition is harder. Doing it all in a tent and loosing your sweet kittie...I can't even imagine.

    Hopefully you will be able to find a place to call home or something that will remind you of why you have uprooted. In the mean time, thinking of you.

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. This post brought a tear to my eye for the sheer raw emotion in it. I am a faithful reader and was sad when you all left North Carolina. North Carolina misses you too!

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  10. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear cat. I don't know if I've ever commented here before, but I know what it's like to lose an animal friend and I just wanted to send some good thoughts your way. I hope you find a place to settle down and recover soon.

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  11. This post was beautifully written for all its sadness. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  12. From the very bottom of my heart, I am so sorry, Kate. I hope that your heart heals and that you soon find a new home to cherish. Hugs.

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  13. So sorry about the loss of your cat. Sending love and good thoughts your way.
    xo

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  14. i'm so sorry. it's so difficult losing a friend who loves unconditionally and perfectly.

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  15. You should try and publish your photos of farm life in a book...I would definitely buy the book...and then you can have a farm of your own <3 I live in Upstate NY...we have beautiful farms here...come visit sometime!

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  16. i'm not even sure what to say...
    but i do hope you guys find peace and comfort through it all.

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  17. Oh no! So sorry this happened! It's awful. Sending so many good thoughts. Hope that things find a place that works just right and you guys can heal a bit.

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  18. Sending you much love. Times like this a hard as hell, but I am certain you will both find a way to pull through this crappy part and you will find your farm and your place in the world. In the meantime you need a big glass of wine!

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  19. hang in there!! my heart hurts for you guys - what a sad time. hopefully the candy corn is a good temporary bandaid. we haven't given into the candy aisle yet - candy corn/candy pumpkins being our biggest weakness...i feel it coming though.

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  20. wanted to send you a message encouraging you to envision your dream and write it down ! you guys are a great inspiration to all who read ..sending you 'all good energy'. best~ robyn

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  21. I just found your blog today and read our post...you are so strong. Your cats are beautiful. I don't have any cats but I have two dogs. Silly, maybe, but I do believe all animals are such pure, loving, and beautiful beings; and I do believe they all go to heaven. I would be comforted knowing that when the day comes for me to say goodbye to my two babies, but that probably won't stop me from abrupt, unexpected sobbing for months.
    It's so hard to see animals come and go...you are so strong to be able to love so deep and so hard and not grow cold in order to bear the loss. Please don't ever stop loving these beautiful beings...you are a hero!

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  22. oh, this just breaks my heart. i'm so sorry about your kitty :( i'm sure you are so ready for some comforting!

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