7.04.2013

Any day

With every moment, or chore, or step I wonder if it is the last thing I do before labor starts. I obsess about it. I'm into my 38th week of pregnancy and while statistics tell me my first child will be "late" I want him to come now. My body is no longer my own.  I am really exhausted most of the day though am wired through the night. I cannot lift much more than a goat pail, the cow milk pail is too heavy now, as it strains the muscles in my abandoned abdomen. I'm feeling exponentially more useless on the farm as each day passes. 

Yesterday, while I was pulling maggots out of the ears, eyes, and back of a very sick pig, I wondered....maybe now? Or this morning when I was crouched at mouth level feeding said pig a banana comically laden with tylenol, I thought now?  Maybe it would be at 9 o'clock at night, as the evening thunderstorms rolled through...before we had eaten dinner...when I was left home with the dogs as Fiona and Nick had dashed out to form a makeshift tarp tent over Vangogh's ailing body. 

I thought it could be when Nick arose from the basement to declare that maggots had overtaken several wheels of cheddar. (Maggots are a sick and very real part of life in this humidity and rain.) I thought, my water might break as he threw the infested wheels to the chicken compost. 

Or perhaps it will be something much more mundane, like fencing sheep. Or slicing potatoes for breakfast. Or boiling the cheesecloth. Or buying strawberries at market tomorrow. Or while checking on the hatching chicks.

Or something more bucolic like a swim in the pond, or a walk through the woods with the goats. 

But much more likely, I'll be sleeping, or doing some disgusting chore that involves animal poop, or spoiled milk, or maggots. 

I am a bundle of anticipation. Soon, when he's ready,  it will start and I'll enter into the club of women who've given birth...of women who become mothers. Then I'll understand how mothers can love something more than they love their dog. Then I'll stop comparing a woman's story of her infant daughter to a similar thing that a piglet or a lamb or a calf had just done here.  I will understand then how being pregnant, and laboring, giving birth, and becoming a parent is not something that makes me exceptional but rather allows for me to more fully experience being human with billions of others. 

For now, all I know are the facts that any day soon I will have a baby and my life will change. The how, where, when of it all is left up to the heavens. 

48 comments:

  1. This is a *beautiful* post and a much more beautiful picture of you and your belly!

    And hey, you are NOT useful at the farm. You are carrying a little rascal inside you who will love all the beautiful creatures and fields that surround you! Who will make you the happiest woman, the happiest couple! Loving such a little baby is the best you will ever experience!

    Here two of my friends are expecting their babys in July. I am always thinking of them with much love and there are also always some thoughts for you and your baby! I am really excited when he chooses to start his earthly life!

    All the best and loving greetings from a little farm similar to yours in Austria (:

    Hannah

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  2. Gorgeous picture, and words of emotions that I remember feeling many, many years ago. They come in their own time. My first was 11 days late, I was nearly climbing the walls by then, I HAD to be me again. But it is always worth the wait :-)

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  3. You look amazing! No way on earth would I post a picture of myself like that! ;) I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow and have had many many MANY hours of contractions that always seem to fizzle out. I feel like I've been in labor for weeks already! Ready for the REAL show to start! My first was on time if that makes you feel better. ;)

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  4. You are beautiful! Sending you thoughts of love, peace, happiness and strength for your labor and delivery.

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  5. This picture is stunning. I'm trying to take a little break from my computer, but I saw this thumbnail and was captivated. I haven't been reading your blog long (found you through Julie), but I don't remember seeing many images of you throughout the pregnancy, so it's even more striking that you shared this gorgeous, natural, and vulnerable moment with us. Thank you, and your time will come soon. I'm 35 weeks and trying to keep her in there a little longer, so perspective is everything.

    xox Lilly

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  6. How very lovely, your words and picture. These last days spread out like eternity, but when they are gone, they are gone forever. Soak them up as best you can. And we will all be here to welcome you on the other side. What a strangely wonderful and word stealing thing becoming a mother is. A mixture of pain, passion, and pure joy. My little one was born 10 days early a year ago this month, on my husband's birthday nonetheless. It started for me in bed with a cough followed by a rush of water in the middle of the day. They come when they come and when they do life opens big.

    Many thoughts of love and strength for you these upcoming days.

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  7. my goodness, you are gorgeous in your round and spherical glory.

    you are already a mother. you don't have to wait until that boy is outside of you, you have been caring for him already for a long time.

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  8. Hope he's ready soon. You're gorgeous, mama. Wishing you peace & strength all the way from Finland.

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  9. gorgeous, kate. sending love for all the days. for today, tomorrow, for the "any day" when he's ready to join you on this side of the world.

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  10. You look amazing!!! Once you wrote a poem that said "...I come into the peace of wild things..." I think a birth is the most wonderfull wild thing in the world. I whish you peace and forever happiness! Thank you for sharing this picture.
    July.

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  11. Amazing late pregnancy capture and can I say your legs are fantastic. Whenever your little boy decides to come, I hope your water breaks at the end of labor- it's much easier with that cushion in place.
    I wish you a beautiful labor and plenty of rest time after.

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  12. you're beautiful! don't be in a rush. all the best wished for an easy delivery. xoxo

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  13. ohhh bravo!!! this pic is the most beautiful image i've seen for a long time!

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  14. My first was two weeks early. There are no rules, Kate!

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  15. It sounds as though you are (beautifully) trusting the process. It really is up to the heavens and it will be an incredibly profound experience...even if it does involve poop and/or maggots ;-)

    xoxo

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  16. what an exciting and wonderfully uncomfortable time you're in right now. anticipation does crazy things to ones mind, no? thank you for sharing these lovely words and image with us. lots of luck and love to you!

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  17. We are all in anticipation with you! Can't wait to read how/where you welcome your baby boy into this world. Thank you for sharing your words with us. (And I am totally jealous of your bum!)

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  18. That has got to be one of the most beautiful pregnancy photos I've ever seen! Hang in there, Kate, sending hugs!

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  19. I have to tell you what a beautiful photo this is, and how beautiful your words are. They resonate so strongly with me, bring up my waiting memories to the surface again! Funny how long the waiting period seems, and then later how fleeting it all is.
    For what it is worth, my first was a week early, and my second was nearly 2 weeks late. So you never know.
    Good luck with waiting, and try to enjoy this time. Everyone told me that, and I'd think "pish!" But it's very, very true. You are in a magical time right now, suspended in time almost.

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  20. How beautiful the picture is............I smiled a very happy smile when I saw it. I am a mama of two beautiful daughters who are adults now with children of their own. Giving birth and holding your son will be moments you will never forget. Even after 36 years, I remember the moment Michelle slid out of me and was then placed on my belly. My gosh, it still brings tears to my eyes.

    Best wishes to you and your husband. You are about to embark on the most important adventure ever. Cherish every moment and kiss that boy at every opportunity.

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  21. What a beautiful image of impending motherhood, thank you for sharing it with us. It won't be long now xx

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  22. You look beautiful and write just as beautifully. There is nothing stronger than the feeling of birthing a soul. You are a woman and that force is formidable, when it comes you'll know why your little man chose that moment xx

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  23. you are so beautiful. i can't even imagine the anticipation when you are so close, like at all moments you must be ready with your keys! and then, I'm sure it will somehow happen when you are not expecting it. thanks for sharing C:

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  24. Thank you for this beautiful article and marvelous picture. Wishing you a glorious birth and tears of joy upon the arrival of your lovely boy.

    Love all the way form France :)

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  25. You look beautiful and good luck with this final stretch!

    Sending love from Cali xoox

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  26. absolutely incredible words. lovely photo, what a great moment captured. blessings as you continue this journey!

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  27. You look incredible. (I remember you talking earlier about being uncomfortable in this new body, but I insist that you wear it VERY well!)
    I promise you won't be pregnant forever :)
    My doula told me that babies usually come at night, which mine did. (Water broke at 11 p.m.)
    I was completely taken off guard when she decided to come a few days early.
    Your boy will tell you when it's time. I caution you not to waste energy getting too excited or worked up in early labor. You'll have a long road ahead of you and it's important to stay rested. I wish I'd gone back to bed when my water broke.
    My midwife reminded me that labor is contractions that get closer, longer, and more intense. If you think you're going in to labor, start doing the opposite of whatever you're doing; if you're relaxing, get active by walking around. If you're being active, start to rest. If that doesn't stop the contractions, you're probably in labor :D
    All the best to you from Iowa. <3

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  28. Kate! I've been away from the internet for days and am so glad I've found some time this morning. Loving you and that baby. Thinking of you all constantly. xo

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  29. Cup of Jo linked to the perfect article for you last week! A beautiful essay about waiting for baby.

    http://www.mothering.com/community/a/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between

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  30. Adorable picture, Kate and un unforgettable, amazing picture for your son in a few years.
    Take care
    Birgit

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  31. What a perfect thing to read and see on a day when I have been feeling so blue about the question over becoming a mother or not... thank you :)

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  32. Ooh. I like this! I have a hard time with a lot of the mythologizing about motherhood that I see and read bc I know many infertile women who couldn't have children or women who just have not wanted to be mothers and it was always so STRANGE to me to make motherhood so tantamount when it is just so utterly common... So I really loved this part: "I will understand then how being pregnant, and laboring, giving birth, and becoming a parent is not something that makes me exceptional but rather allows for me to more fully experience being human with billions of others." So.much.this. I love the idea that it will give you a fuller experience of humanness. Like so many things in life that give us a fuller understanding of our humanness. I am pregnant as well and we are trying very hard to not make it the BIGGEST DEAL OF OUR LIVES. So I appreciate your perspective.

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  33. Such a beautiful photo! Best wishes for your delivery!

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  34. Everything about this post is gorgeous. I cannot wait for you to experience motherhood- but I have to say- I still compare the things my son does to what my dog does! ;)

    Best wishes
    Melissa

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  35. You look incredible! I was right where you are a little more than a year and a half ago, and I advise trying to think of a 'due zone' rather than a due date. Your due zone can last four weeks, and you're in it now! But you may remain in it for another three weeks, and it might help to think of it this way, rather than as any day now...

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  36. wow! this picture is just captivating. there is something so powerful about a pregnant woman. you are beautiful. sending you much love and a sense of calm to take with you these coming days.

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  37. Really lovely, Kate. Sending warm thoughts your way from the west coast.

    x,

    shalan

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  38. I have come here to stalk your blog instead of calling the farm line or send you text as I remember how much I disliked the constantly baby-here-yet? check-ins in the last weeks of my pregnancy. It is only mildly satisfying my urge. But it should be said that I am trying very very hard to leave you alone. Every day I wake hopeful that this will be the day that you get to meet your precious boy. It makes me weepy to know the journey of birth that lies immediately ahead of you. To think of the immediate and resounding changes that will overtake you heart and body when he is laid against your chest. To see the changes that have already been made in you. I love you Kate, and this comment has become more intimate that I had planned for it to be on a public comments section but whatever. Holding our breath for the call that he is here. Love, M

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  39. you have such a WONDERFUL baby belly. beautiful.

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  40. Such a moving photo. Labor can be so odd in not knowing when it will begin or what it will feel like, that was the hardest part of it all for me and while I would like to offer some advice to help you know when it's the real deal I fear there's nothing more to say than what has been said a million times to pregnant women, "you will just know". One moment we were walking around the neighborhood with my having some on and off again crampy feelings throughout the day and just when I laid down for bed (at 40 weeks 5 days along) and thought we were down for the night a certain intensity gripped my abdomen and within an hour I was leaning against our bathroom counter and soon into the labor and birthing tub. Birth is such a unique and personal experience that must be totally different for each individual even when it appears to be the same, I hope your own experience provides you with whatever it is you need.

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  41. Kate - What a stunning photo and such beautiful words. I've been following along with your farming adventure for a year or so and just had to chime in to wish you well in this next big adventure. I gave birth to my first about ten months ago and it really is the most incredible experience, both extraordinary and totally commonplace...an everyday miracle. Sending love and wishes for a peaceful birth and a healthy mama and baby from a fellow homebirther and soon-to-be-Vermonter.

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  42. I am so glad that I stumbled across your blog today. I'm your newest follower! I remember going through those same emotions during that last few weeks of my pregnancy. I ended up being induced when she was two weeks overdue. I have to admit, I felt like I missed out on those exciting last minutes.

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  43. That is an amazing photo. I just got caught up on all of the blog posts (I took a little break from reading blogs this summer) and wow, your new farm is beautiful! I love the baby pigs and that you did that study. Being from Iowa, I know all about the crazy livestock industry. It is crazy. Anyway, that's a convo for another day, because the main comment is to say CONGRATS! on your beautiful baby boy! Have a wonderful rest of summer and enjoy all of the moments. Thanks for sharing them all on this blog.

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