the business of saying no

nick and i are turning into bad friends. we keep saying no. no to weddings. or half-no to weddings. let's see, you can have kate, but she can just come for dinner. or nick will be at your special day, kate sends her love from the pig pen.  we just called our dear dear friends who are in connecticut from california, who are having a baby in a couple of months, that no, we would not, could not meet them half way between here and there to have dinner. no to a friend's dance performance in burlington. no to another's brooklyn launch party for his new business. no to a best friend's wedding in the south of france.

no. no. no. no. no.

i hate using the word. so instead, i string the friend along, saying maybe or would love to....but, it always finds its way back to no. and we never fail to follow up by but! you can come here!?! as though any of our friends are just dying to be covered in shit and sweat for a weekend.

i don't recall ever being so throughly busy and exhausted in my life. at past farms we have certainly worked like dogs but the whole weight of the farm as a potentially viable (someday) business makes it all the more vicious.  i don't know how we'll ever do this with more animals. with human babies. without burning all the bridges of friends who aren't farmers.  without asking the world of our parents, our sisters and brothers and neighbors.

i imagine this is how parents with young children can feel. with their birth the importances of life change. you find yourself making excuses to your friends that don't have babies. asking the world of others. not calling the Well Meaning back, not because you don't love them but because you are too tired or you just forgot. maybe not, maybe i just hope some of you can Relate. help to ease my guilt.

it is uncommonly selfish. this no business. we could drive to see modern dance in burlington. we could have blasted down to brooklyn to support our friend's new project. you could twist my arm to take a week of in september to be in the S of F.

but every afternoon or morning or weekend or week we take one or both of us away from this farm we are hampering the success of the farm.  we don't have a boss anymore. we just have ourselves. and our selfish selves have made the (un?)conscious decision that the Farm Comes First. we have found our passion. we want this to really work. we want this to be forever. so at every opportunity to save our tired bodies, our time and our gas-money we reluctantly say, no.

in photos:
1. nick
2. tractor
3. kate
4. the Wretched of the Earth