8.07.2013

be still




these are some very grainy photos I have taken with the computer camera.

Yesterday marked three weeks since Leland's birth. There has been a marked silence here, and I apologize for that, though I imagine any one of you who has been in the throes of a baby's first days and weeks can attest that the simple act of finishing a cup of tea is impossible. Milking your goat becomes daunting. Closing the chickens in before dark is not in the cards. And writing a coherent blog post is a pipe dream.

My midwives told me, repeatedly, that the quickest route to recovery would start with 2 or 3 weeks of being still. I managed for 2 weeks to heed this advice. By the beginning of week three I was practically cross eyed with being still. I love my sweet babe, but I don't think its any secret that newborns are a bit boring. There are only so many hours I can spend lying on the couch while he sleeps for the 18th hour that day. When he's awake you couldn't pry me away from his sparkly eyes and his kicking feet. But when he's sleeping I'm most tempted to run outdoors and get some work done as the farm, gardens, and summer try to get away from me. My mother has been here for the past two weeks and so I've been gradually reintroducing myself to the animals. In the past week, I've been feeding him and rocking him back to sleep and then handing him to his grandmother for a couple hours while I commune with my four legged flock. 

It feels good to be moving my body again. I know that these days with a newborn are the most precious and that I should feel most guilty about leaving him in the mornings while I run off to the life I had before him. BUT 1) I do feel quite guilty 2) I love watching him sleep and I love napping with his warm body on my chest 3) I also love running through the woods with my goats carrying nothing but a bucket of feed. 

I'm working on this balance of being a still mother with the babe and becoming a functioning member of the farm again. I keep finding my limits. After a day of tending to the gardens and the fields and nursing I was so dehydrated that I had to sleep through dinner. And then I was so hungry that both Leland and I pitched an evening fit. Two days ago I was bringing the goats back to pasture when Hawkeye scared them into running the opposite direction, I started to take after them out of instinct at a sprint but two paces had me bent over holding my crotch and leaking breasts.

And speaking of, its time to feed that sweet child of mine. Signing off. Hope to be back here again soon. 

18 comments:

  1. Hey Kate and fellow New Englander! Have been reading your blog for awhile but haven't commented (might be the 2 little ones i have running around!) Congrats to you and your beautiful boy. Balance is a tricky thing and i would say find a balance that suits you. It's never 50-50. If you want to frolic while L is asleep....go and frolic. NEVER feel guilty for doing what your body needs...like saying hello to the animals or going for a quiet walk for yourself. Post baby is such a shift. i just stopped nursing several months ago and noticed another hormone shift. Such a beautiful and wild ride!

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  2. Girl, it's harvest time, I'm surprised and grateful you even popped in! He's beautiful, good luck as you find your rhythm with slinging him during farm chores.

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  3. Hi Kate,
    Remember to continually give yourself grace - something I continually attempt to do but fail at far too often. After every child it seems, I have expected too much of myself. But, it sounds like you are finding your priorities and keeping what is sacred to you in the forefront.
    I also found that within two months of a birth, a wonderful rhythm natural falls into place.
    Congratulations again on that beautiful blessing.
    Tonya (from northern Vermont)

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  4. Hello from another new outdoors-loving mama. You are doing great! It's such a massive life adjustment, and as I'm finding, it constantly changes. Finding the balance constantly changes. There is no place for guilt, you are still your own person and it is so, SO important to recharge yourself with something you love, even if it's for only a fraction of the time you used to spend doing it. Enjoy your journey, teach him all you know :-)
    Jacqui

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  5. So intelligent to realize your life before, and beyond your child. You will be a fuller mother for it. Be glad, not guilty that you can hand him off to anyone for a few moments to yourself, or to get back into the passionate life you lead. My twins NEVER slept. As suspected, your perfect instinct have you going in just the right directing. Watch the crotch and boobs though.

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  6. We understand but it's wonderful to hear from you! You look radiant. I have to admit I guffawed aloud at your last sentence - I remember the crotch holding and leaking breasts very well.

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  7. Your space is so beautiful. Your images so touching. Thanks so much for letting us peek in.

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  8. Good to hear from you! Do take extra good care of yourself--you are still healing.

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  9. Your absence is most understandable, and I have to say it has me anticipating each post so much more than those who post constantly. The photos are beautiful, he looks so very sweet. I'm glad everything went okay and that you are settling back into the farm life too. Take care!

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  10. What a beautiful babe =)

    I never managed to stay still for 2-3 weeks either. Take care of yourself - you know when your body has had too much and when it can take a little moving around - and enjoy these days, whether you take them still or working or a little of both!

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  11. Kate - you are doing so much better than I did during those first months with my son. My blog posts become non-existent and I could barely manage the dishes, much less tending to the flock. Don't feel guilty about getting up and getting some things done - I think you will feel better about finding your balance quickly. I did several pendulum swings of all or nothing... neither is good! Just make sure you are taking are of yourself! Your body has been through a lot!

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  12. You will spend the rest of your life finding the balance. Remember that what babies need most is (mentally and physically) healthy parents.

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  13. Congratulations on the birth of your sweet baby! Motherhood looks like it agrees with you. You are radiant! Enjoy these precious first weeks. I look forward to your blog posts so much. Thanks for sharing a glimpse into your life.

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  14. Congratulations! And please, please do not feel guilty. It is unproductive, gets in the way of you finding your way as mother, farmer, woman.

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  15. Congratulations!! That smile says so much about this time in your life. Lap it up!

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  16. Such a beautiful baby. Don't worry aand feel guilty; enjoy this time with your new bundle of joy.

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  17. I know just what you mean. What a balance it is and what a struggle to find it (I say as I sit here with my 11 day old on my own chest!) much love to you, mama, in this journey.

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