i need you all to think good, strong, powerful thoughts for my nick today. its his 2nd day in the hospital. all we know is it is somekind of infection. or maybe its a virus. they know very little. but he is quite ill. i would tell you more but i don't know much more myself. some hours he is my nick. and some hours he is just lying there...all hooked up to machines...the exoskeleton of my nick.

i've been paralyzed with an unknowing of what to do or how to help or where to sit and stare at him and will him to get better. his father is here. which is a godsend. but its so very terrifying to one morning wake up, kiss your love goodbye, and then, in what feels like an eternity and also just 5 minutes,  you are rushing across the state in the middle of the night to get to his bedside at a hospital in a town you don't know very well.

i shouldn't be on the computer right now. i feel a weight of guilt at blogging while he is lying there. truthfully, all i want to do is shop online....or go to a wedding....or pick onions. i want to do anything but be in that hospital room. not because i don't totally and completely love nick, because, i do. he is my partner in every way of that word and seeing him hurt and sick destroys me. but i want to pretend so badly like this isn't happening. so very very badly. i just want to take him home and shake us both and say you're not sick.  that's probably high on the list awful things you have heard today.

so please, think good thoughts for him. because i need him to be back to being nick. i need us to be able to kiss and hug and laugh and work and play and sing and farm and garden and argue and eat and sleep and be kate and nick together. i hope that this is all just a big scare. that nothing is as serious as they say it could be. that tomorrow we'll come home and forget all about it.