9.19.2012

where one has nothing to do with the other.

Ripening green yellow orange and red tomatoes on every surface of our SouthEast facing bedroom.
Last night I was in a yoga class about an hour away from home. It was pouring buckets of warm rain all day and we are in the tail end of the Harvest so the two factors afforded me the time. My friend Rachael teaches the class and this was the first time I had been. Rachael lives with 3 other dear friends of ours that we don't get to see as often as we like because they are busy, we are busy and the Vermont dirt road system between our two homes makes it nearly a day on foot, ten hours by horse, seven hours by bicycle, and one hour by car. There are no buses or subways to or fro. They are our closest friend in Vermont.

If I had to chose the one truly alarming Fact of Life about moving to a rural community it would be this distance from our friends. It would not be the outhouse, or the molasses-slow internet, or the complete lack of a cafĂ©, or that nowhere in a 20-mile radius seems to carry the New York Times.  This distance from friends is the one thing I honestly miss about living in the City.

During last night's class Rachael came over to my mat to give my stiff body an assist with a bridge. She wrapped her arms around my back and shoulders to lift me up and I was hit how unusual it is for me these days to be so close to another woman. I have Nick here to depend on, to hug, to laugh with, to fight with, to lean up against while watching a movie, to work with, to cook with, to swim with. We share nearly everything together in our new lives as farmers and I am so grateful for the way our rural life has changed our relationship. We depend on each other and know each other in a way I don't know would have been possible for us in the bustle of the City. But as much as I tease him and love him, Nick is not a substitute for a girl friend, just as I am not a substitute for a guy friend for him.  Having a girl friend who is there to assist you with a yoga pose, or to skinny dip in the pond with, or to go for a hike with, or to bake a cake with, or to lie on the high field with or to simply talk to is something I need in this life. I need a girl friend. I know that sounds soooo sappy, and I don't mean for it to at all. It is a fact. I need a girl friend.

I need a girl friend who doesn't live an hour away. I want one that lives right here in my town. I want one that farms, or doesn't farm. I just want one that loves me the way my old friends love me. It is so impossibly frustrating to make friends at 28 years old in a new community. All of the women (and men) here have their own lives in full swing. They aren't looking to go to see a movie with the new girl. They aren't looking to go apple picking with me, or teach me how they grow garlic, or how to shear a sheep.

The community we have fallen into here in Vermont is beautiful. I don't wish to discount the kindness of the people in it and their warmth towards us. We have been so grateful for their Welcome. But, I miss my girl friends.  I want to be able to walk the 1/4 of mile to Meghan's house right now and see her 39-week belly. I want to meet Lindsay on bikes for ice cream at our general store. I want Ayana to join me for a rainy afternoon at the Vermont Historical Society. I need Fiona there on the running trails behind the farm. I want Julie in my kitchen teaching me for the seventeenth time How to Bake Scones. I want Eve to accompany me and a bottle of wine to see a movie that nobody else wants to see at the little theater in Montpelier. I want Melissa to do my make up and hair and put on a pretty printed dress with me before going to a barn dance.

I fantasize about having my girl friends here in Vermont with me. How full life would be if I could meld the city and the country into one. I love my girl friends and I so selfishly wish I could have even just one of them here. I can't let my happiness, of course, depend on their futures. I need to create friendships with the women who live around me. I just don't know how to do it. I find myself always awkwardly bumping into a gaggle of them at farmer's market, or at the fair, or the tea house in town. We don't have much in common yet aside from gardening, so I always bring the conversation to broccoli or blight or weeds and they must think I am the most profoundly boring flatlander to ever arrive amongst their hills. Why does making friends have to become so much more difficult the older you get? I know it all takes time, that some how some day, something will bring me closer to the women around me and then poof I'll find one day that I do have girl friends here. I am merely impatient for that day and wanting one of them to stop by on this brisk fall Wednesday morning to talk and share a cuppa tea.

30 comments:

  1. I think it is difficult for many women after they are out of college to be see their friends, particularly when those friends start having children and you are the one without them. I lived in FL for 8 years and left there with a smattering of friends/acquaintances but only one or two really good girl friends.

    But you are right---I always forget about the closeness of my girlfriends until I am with them again and the sensations and aura around them/us is completely different.

    Also---I have found that sometimes the best friends are sometimes older than me---strange, but true. One of my good friends when I first moved to Florida was my mom's age but we had so much in common.

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  2. {{hugs}} to you oh friend i do not know. i so know the feeling and wish i was close enough to do *any* of those things with you and chat and laugh and be silly and serious and all those things good girlfriends do!

    I know how hard it is - just wait til you're 52!!! I also moved to an all new place 3 years ago and am *still* going on (don't laugh) Doggy Dates - with my DOG - because I don't know anyone else in the area to go to that new park in Greenpoint with and watch the sun set behind the Manhattan skyline, or go get ice cream at the outdoor cafe...so my DOG goes with me, just so I'm not TOTALLY alone and I have someone to talk to (sigh).

    So yeah, I get it. And I always think it's just ME that doesn't have 12 million friends and that Everyone Else in The World DOES, and they're all friends with one ANOTHER, so what would they want with ME??

    Just keep living your life. It'll happen when it happens...keep putting out feelers, inviting people, joining up with people for things...maybe start your own Meetup group "Let's Do Some Fun Things in (your town) Vermont" - maybe other people are hoping for the same friend as you are :-)

    Do something fun for you today. Alone, w a neighbor, your husband...or a dog.

    Bettye

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  3. this isn't the same as your remote location i understand, but when i moved from seattle to L.A. and didn't have any friends i felt very much the same as you. i had such a great group of friends in seattle and in L.A. i had nobody but my husband. i did make friends but honestly it took a loooong time. i spent a whole lotta time trying to find girls that were like my old friends instead of finding girls who i just simply appreciated. i was also very lonely for that girlfriend companionship. i too was about your age and just felt like everyone around me had their established friendships and why would they want to take their time with me?? i ended up making friends with girls that i didn't really have much in common with and strangely they have become some of my favorite people now because i have learned so much from them and have grown in so many ways. even in this blog world i have followed and become friends with girls that i have little in common with but have learned from and in that i have come to really enjoy "visiting" them. i know it's not exactly the same and i wish i had a total solution because i know EXACTLY how you are feeling oh so well right now. all i can say is i hope it comes soon for you because it changed my happiness so greatly when it did for me.
    i wish i lived close to you because i love your little farm life. i have always admired that life and i so love your posts and photos. imwould happily meet you in town for ice-cream!
    kendrakaypahukoa.blogspot

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  4. I feel the same way! Such long distances...
    There is such a lack of young people in farming to begin with. Add that to living in a rural place and it can get pretty lonely :( Hope you find someone though!

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  5. I have talked to a number of young farmers and some who left farming... the main reason is what you just wrote so elequently. The lack of others their age and with thier interests. Makes me want to start an ecovilliage or something!

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  6. So nice to hear it can be difficult for you lot too this making friends business. @Bettye I love your dog dates. You are right, I should just start taking Rudy more places. He's a great listener.

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  7. This has been a frustration for me too lately, particularly after our move to Sicily. We left behind a vibrant community of friends on Capitol Hill in D.C., many of whom we had known since college or high school. My husband had some of his best guy friends to meet for lunch; I had some of my dearest girlfriends to go walking or out for a coffee.

    Since we moved to Sicily, though, we've had to start from scratch with friendships. We've also been plunged into an entirely military community, which is totally new for us. It's HARD to put yourself out there and try to find connections with totally new people.

    I have resolved this fall to be better about inviting acquaintances into our home and around our table for meals and conversation, though. My husband and I love doing this and we've stopped being so faithful to have guests since we are away from friends. I think this will help us make some new ones, though, if we put ourselves out there. I hope, anyway!

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  8. Whoa, Kate, this has been my most absolute struggle since moving to Napa. Great girl friends just don't grow on trees. I have personally found solace in realizing how I have enough best girl friends for a lifetime, and even if I don't make a single new best girl friend, I will forever be grateful for every single nanosecond I get to spend talking with, visiting, or thinking about my girls who live sprinkled all over the country away from me. And if I do meet a new dear friend locally, then hallelujah- what a life bonus!

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  9. I am so with you here. Since moving to Maine 4 years ago I have made not a one girl friend. It is hard to do.

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  10. This just wrenched my heart, because I have been in the same situation many times in the past few years (3 new towns in 4 years, all many states away from my dear girlfriends). My most recent move was 9 months ago, and I have realized that making new friends requires bravery. The kind of bravery that is uncomfortable. I cook for people, and invite them into our home. Find something you love to share, and then get brave and approach those groups at the farmers market. Best of luck!

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  11. Everything you've said is so spot on. Regardless of location, I think we all yearn for close female friends. I think just as open landscapes can leave you feeling alone, something about a city swallows you up - you feel somehow involved and invited, yet overwhelmed to really put yourself out there. On your own.

    I moved across the ocean from Edinburgh, UK to live in Boston, MA with my (now) husband last July and I miss my girl friends fiercely. Of course we write all the time, send packages, letters and Skype when we get the chance, but none of this is any substitute for a warm hug at the end of a long day, chatting over tea and cake until the waitress has to tell you they're closing the cafe, or having soup & wine nights at home, getting tipsy and laughing at videos of corgis until tears come.

    It's hard as an adult not to feel like we're beyond making the effort and feeling uncomfortable, but I remain hopeful that some day I will build for myself a similar friendship base to the one I left back home. It won't be the same, but maybe it will be good in a different way.

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  12. Making friends as an adult blows! I've been in my new home state 6 years and finally have 2 friends I can sit around with reading books. Now that's the true mark of a forever friend.

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  13. I totally agree. My husband and I moved out to the country in May of last year and the distance from our friends is the one thing we dislike about rural life. We're only 40 minutes away, but before we were only 5 or 10 minutes away from everyone. And it's hard to make friends in our new community because everyone has kids and has their own thing going on. It gets really lonely at times, but I still wouldn't change a thing.

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  14. I miss my girl friends too :(
    Gros bisous from Paris

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  15. Wow, that's amazing, because I think if I saw you at a farmers market, I'd know immediately I'd want to be your friend.

    I don't have any siblings, and my husband is definately my best friend without a doubt. But I do still need a girl friend. I don't know why, but yes I need that type of interaction.

    And furthermore, I have yet to find a friend who is everything for me. So I have one who I walk with, one that shops with me, and one that only seems to be able to get together if our kids and husbands are with us. So I guess if I could just fine one who would be willing to can with me, I'd be all set.

    If you have friends who are an hour away, how about meeting at a halfway point during the times of year when you aren't so busy? (haha)

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  16. This book applies much more to the city life, but has some really interesting thoughts on friendship at our age: http://mwfseekingbff.com/ . I absolutely loved it!

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  17. I totally get it. Whenever I've moved I've felt so
    Socially awkward when trying to "pick up" friends, haha. Just like love, it'll happen when you least expect it, and sometimes from the least likely people:-)

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  18. You are so not alone! The problem with making new close friends is the lack of history. You just can't speed up that process. And as far as barging in on those awkward huddles of women, I feel your pain. I think the best thing to do is ask people about themselves. Everyone likes talking about themselves. When you find someone who will actually ask you questions back then you've got a gem :)

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  19. Oh this broke my heart a little! And made me want to find some way to matchmake - surely there's a longest acres reader somewhere who could connect you to another Vermont girlfriend! It's super hard to live without close girlfriends. One of my best girlfriends is someone I met when I visited her small town for a weekend away from the city. She had spent a dark winter with just dudes for company and was craving girlfriend company enough to actually ask my other friend and I if we wanted to have drinks with her that night. We totally fell in love with her and were all pleased that she picked us. I hope for something similar for you. :-)

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  20. It's so amazing that you wrote this because not very long ago I had a great conversation with my mum-in-law. We were both saying we didn't have anyone except our husbands and they couldn't fulfill all our needs as they weren't a girlfriend, we needed a girlfriend!!! Anyway, she asked me who I talk to about stuff and hang out with, and I rattled off a big list and it made me realise I do have girlfriends, I DO! I just need to be with them MORE. They live close enough and they're not always available when I want them but they are there. When they're not I need to just be with me and TRUST for the right time to come to be with them. It can be lonely sometimes but at least we can know we're not lonely alone, there are all of you out there lonely sometimes too.

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  21. Me too... I live in a university community in China, my Chinese is pretty awful and I don't have a single friend here. I have my husband and children and a busy job. I know I need to improve my Chinese to be able to actually make friends with nice women I meet but everything else gets in the way. I need to be braver I think. Totally understand where you're coming from though. The last placed we moved to was English speaking and we still really struggled.

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  22. I have loved your blog from a distance now and have yet to comment but this post called to me! I recently moved to Montpelier and have had experienced similar feelings of difficulty making good friends, so I wanted to lend my support to you in this process and say that I hope to run into you around town sometime!

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  23. I live in the city now but most of my really good girl friends still lives in the country about 15 hours away. It's nice to know that we have a really great friendship even far away and that no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. But, I only get to see them for a few hours about once a year and it's nearly enough for my liking. I guess it's just how our lives worked out. I only wish they would get into blogging so that I could get more news from them more frequently.

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  24. Could you host a farm mixer like the Greenhorns do?

    Also, I wanna give you a hug so bad right now. I've totally been there before, and if it were not for absolute luck of living on a farm WITH girlfriends around I still would.

    ALSO... the letter I sent you was probably really depressing and I'm sorry for that. This has been one hell of a year with emotions going up and down and up and down. Things are finally smoothing out around here and getting back to normal.

    Keep an open heart. You'll find some girlfriends. Or you could resort to what my old friend Cassie once declared: "WANTED: Friends with Boobs."

    xoxo

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  25. Oh, wow, I hear you so clear, it's like you were shouting thru the computer! Even though we only have 2 acres and my closest girlfriends live about 20 minutes (drive) away, I find that this kind of life style puts a lot of distance between myself and *most* people my age. And, everyone is SO BUSY. {{hugs}} sister. :)

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  26. yes yes yes. meeting new girlfriends is the hardest. one thing that I always find myself doing, to my own detriment though, is comparing. the friends i went to highschool and university with, who are back home in dear dear ontario, have known me for years longer than the few I have met way out west where i live now. i have to remember that, because i do know some really great ladies, and just because they are great in totally different ways than my left behind friends doesn't mean they couldn't be just as great in years to come, when the time-as-friends thing isn't so starkly different. i'm eagerly waiting for that time in the future too... and still wish i lived hours and hours and maybe even days closer to back home. hugs.

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  27. your post really touched something in me. i just moved to houston with my husband and i'm aching for the close friends i had. i just want someone i can sit down with and talk to, without having to explain all the history. i want an old friend fast and it just won't happen. i hope you find someone. i hope we both do. if i was in vermont i'd love to walk down a dirt road to your home and pick apples with you. and sit in the sun that comes through your windows just the right way. you have a beautiful life... but i know what you mean. i'd love to have a friend too.

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  28. just discovered your blog and feeling right at home already - thank you. i love your words and the path they follow as you tell your story. i am not very good at making new friends, but i'm a lone beast at heart. here's hoping you find a kinship soon to help give that dose of girl fun more regularly in your life.

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  29. Hello :)
    I didn't know how to get in touch with you other than comment on one of your stories, but I just wanted to ask you what camera do you use?
    Also you have a wonderful blog! This is the life I dream to live in the future. I wish you and nick all the best :)
    Thea.

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  30. I'm oddly so happy to hear I am not alone in needing more girlfriends. Makes me feel less alone :) May all of us make the women who live close to us nearer and dearer.

    and @thea, I use a Nikon d-60 almost all the time, despite it being so clunky.

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