Nick swooped into my life in 2008 and saved me from what looked like certain New York induced starvation. Through San Francisco, France, North Carolina, Massachusetts, and Vermont he cooked. And I washed up. And we were grateful for the other's compliance.
There has been a lot of indoor-time for me lately. Nick has been working twice as hard on the farm, and I have been told by my midwife to lay off the heavy lifting. So, no hay bales, no feed bags. As I sit here in farm exile, growing ever more pregnant, I contemplate, often, the thousand ways I wish and want to be a better woman for my son. I want my son to think of his mother as a cool cucumber, not one with a fiery temper. I fantasize that I'll play him bedtime lullabies on the piano. When we brake bread around the breakfast table I want it to be of my own creation. The chocolate caramels that he requests for his birthday will be my special recipe. I want my son to see me change the flat tire on the side of the road in lieu of AAA. I want him to think I am the fastest runner in the land. When we go for walks through the back forest I need to be able to tell my son which tree is a hophornbeam and which is yellow birch. The lasagna that I layer ought to be made with the cheese I made and the spinach and tomatoes I grew.
In short, I want to be my son's superhero. I want him to think of me as the most capable of humans. Just as much as any mother or father has before me. I have one thousand flaws. My inability to cook is just one of them. But it has the most obvious and straightforward fix. So, I am cooking, baking, steaming and souping. I made the aforementioned lasagna yesterday. I've put a couple of quiches under my belt. I tried, and failed, making a dutch baby and then a pfannkuchen. I've made a good lentil stew. I baked my first two loaves of whole wheat bread this week. On the same day that I made a meltinyourmouth cream caramel. Tomorrow I am baking challah for shabbat.
I am learning. And by the time this babe is off breast milk and into the wild world of food he will at least be able to turn to his mother for something more than a steamed bowl of edamame and a plate of toast.
I LOVE THIS! I love that our children inspire us to be the best people we can be. It is so beautiful. I think sometimes we think of parents of the givers of inspiration and children as the takers- but that isn'/ shouldn't be true.
ReplyDeleteKate- this is such a sweet and lovely post. Really. Your tiny person is so lucky- you two are going to be such fine parents. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are already a total superhero in my eyes,(nurturing animals with that huge heart of yours, growing veggies, farming in Vermont, etc) and now also a mama to be. I think your lil one will definitely see you as "superhero mama".
ReplyDeleteI felt this way while pregnant with my son. It's an ongoing journey! I am still not the momma I hope he remembers as he grows up. He's almost 16 months old now and I'm still working on figuring out a way to do it all - because he so deserves it! You are definitely on the right track! Holy cow - a dutch baby and challah? Those aren't small undertakings!
ReplyDeleteYou will be the BEST mom he ever had! ;)
ReplyDeleteI love this. Those dreams we have, of ourselves, for our firstborns. My firstborn (son) is 7 years old, just this month, and I remember those dreams. I remember putting on homemade lavender and patchouli lotion when he was a baby and thinking, "this is how he'll remember me; this is how it will smell..." Anyhow, I have a fiery temper more often than I'd like but he reminds me, with kind words, to do better. And sometimes he corrects my plant identification efforts. But he tells me that I'm the "queen of muffins" or "queen of venison bean stew", or whatever it is that he likes. It is so awesome to be a mother, and so very special when you're full of hope, and unknowing, and dreams - those first early years.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in your exile!
So very sweet. I hope your cooking adventures take you far and wide! It sounds like you're doing really well so far. :)
ReplyDeleteMy advice is, just lay off the booze before lunch and don't blow too much second-hand smoke in his face, and he'll turn out just fine. Works for me, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI love this! My daughter is 3 and my son 4 months, and although the house is continually a mess, I've made sure to stick to my promise of feeding them real food. I'm in the same boat, my husband does most the cooking, so I've had a long journey of learning since that first positive pregnancy test. But there is hope, I can now feed everyone AND they even ask for seconds.
ReplyDeleteHow lovely - what better incentive to become the superhero you've always dreamed of being!
ReplyDeletehttp://violinblogs.blogspot.com
This is going to sound pretty creepy, since we don't know each other, but in just reading your blog, I think you're a super hero. Cooking is the easy part. Just be patient. It always works out.
ReplyDeleteDearest Kate, you don't know me but I hope you will listen to this advice. (my son is much taller than me these days, so I have some experience here...)
ReplyDeletePlease do not expect to be perfect. No one is perfect. Aside from making the rest of us look bad, ;)I believe it is important for our kids to see their parents as real people. Not perfect little robots. It's important for them to see that Moms mess up, too. We mess up and then we try to make it right. We show them that we aren't perfect and we don't expect them to be, either. We show them that when we do something wrong, we try to make it right. We apologize if we have to. We talk through our mistakes and try to do better next time. I also think it's important to show my son that wives/women have their own needs as people (I think my daughter in law will thank me someday...) and I want to show my daughter that when she's a Mom, she will be able to have her own needs, too. And it's ok if neither of them is perfect. I have so much more to say, but I will leave you with this, I have no idea who originally said it, but it is true: There is no one right way to be the perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one.
And finally, You go girl! How did that lasagna come out, anyway?
Guess what, you already are his superhero- and his admiration and devotion will only increase in time. Take it from me.
ReplyDeleteFully Flawed, with twins,
Super-Mom
I hope that you are not offended by what I am about to say.. But this post made me laugh (mainly because it is definately something I would be thinking!) but really you are his super hero already.. He will love you unconditionally now and forever more because you are a good person. I know this because only a good person would worry about such things! Good luck with your new relationship with your kitchen.. I hope you learn to love cooking. I believe that the kitchen is the most important place in a home :) I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy too lady!
ReplyDeleteAnna
You WILL be his super hero, even if all you make is edemame and toast. I can promise you that. Enjoy this special time.
ReplyDeletewhat a sweet, wonderful parent you already are. speaking as someone who had a very distant and difficult relationship with my own parents, its so heartwarming to hear you speak with such sincerity and intentionality about all you hope to create within your new family---and what a lucky one that already is.
ReplyDeletesome of the things that i learned in mothering my two girls are: that the super-momma ideal is a figment of everybody's imagination, which we sometimes use against each other to make each other feel guilty or inferior (why do we do this?) and you can't ever be perfect. also, you will be, once your sweet baby boy is born, just as you are now. although you may wish and hope to plan to be a different person, a "better" person for him once he gets here, the scary and perhaps yet grounding and realistic thing is that you will be exactly yourself. you will still be who you are now. you won't suddenly morph into a different person out of sheer willpower. you are elastic and can stretch your core temperament and personality only so far, but it will spring back. you will have the same self-perceived flaws, the same difficulties, the same things about you that you won't like. but he won't mind anyway. and neither should you. trust in the resilience of children.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, there's a lot to like in Ben's advice.
ReplyDeleteoxox
Some of the best memories I have with my mom is in the kitchen. You are such a sweet person to even think this way. I wish more people would think like you!If we all tried to be better people the world may be a better place!
ReplyDeleteI love this post so much!!
ReplyDeleteI read the other comments and I have to agree that you already are your child's whole world, etc etc etc, but I don't think there's anything wrong with aspiring to be the parent you want to be! I learned to bake bread when my preschooler was a young toddler because I wanted her to see me baking bread - and I still bake bread with her today and really love it. It's something special we do together and something that connects her to her food. When I told people in my day-to-day life that I wanted to do this, alot of people told me to calm down, I don't have to be supermom, and I felt really discouraged that people didn't understand that this was a calling within me and something that I felt was important for my child.
If this is something that you feel is important, go for it. You can do it!! And if you end up not enjoying it, don't kick yourself over it, everything isn't for everyone (i.e. I also wanted to learn to knit to share that with my kids, but it turns out I don't like knitting, but hey, I learned and I tried!)
Would love for you to share recipes!
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